Moments.

So let's start by stating the obvious. Obviously I did not follow through with my 365 project. However as I suspected my life has changed drastically over the last 8 months and even though it did not go at all as I expected, it has changed for the better and I am happier then I could have ever imagined.

The funny thing is about a year ago, I was miserable. Most of the people around me where miserable too. I realized why. As children, teenagers & young adults we are taught to imagine our life the way we want it to be. Even when you go to interviews, more often then not we are asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" So here we are. 30 give or take a few years. Life is not at all what any of us expected. Maybe not for everyone but for myself and most of the people I know. I think for most it is kind of a let down.

A lot of people don't truly know how to role with the punches and go with the flow. Right now I am going to throw in as many cliques as possible. "Life is what happens when you are busy planning." I think plans are good. Goals are even better. Even if you don't meet those goals at least you tried. However I think so many people forget the great things happening around them, or don't allow them to happen because their plan didn't go, well, as planned.

Rambling aren't I?

Anyhow, on my last trip to New York I made a new friend. An amazing friend. We met a day and a half before I had to leave. He is the kind of person that I feel like I have known my whole life. We talk rarely but when we do he often leaves me lost in thought for hours and days. He is the reason I felt this blogged needed to be written. An incredible inspiration to say the least.

To the point already? OK.

So he wrote me this email the other week and I read it. However life was crazy busy and I just finally sat down to read it again today to write back. So he said this:

"Someone told me recently that life is made up of just a series of moments, I don't necessarily know if that is true cause it seems that it doesn't build up to anything."

Obviously I had something to say about this. This is what I wrote:

I think I do believe in life being made up of just a series of moments. Those moments no matter how big or small make you who you are. Chalk it up to experience if you will. All those moments are what make your life great. For me those moments include when I first brought my daughter home, and crying over leaving her for ten minutes. It also includes the night I randomly met this amazing guy in New York and took him by the hand to run away, leaving the lust birds in the middle of the night to find tomatoes for breakfast. The museum and sitting in a coffee shop for hours because I couldn't take the rain anymore. Those conversations changed me as a person. All these moments add up. They make me feel alive. They keep me going on long days. I read this book about suicide once. In it this guy came to the realization that he wanted to kill himself not because he hated life, but because he loved it so much. The reason he wanted to kill himself is because he missed those moments which defined his life as being extraordinary. If nothing all these moments give you stories to tell your children and your grandchildren. They accumulate and become the story of your life.

A few years back I took this class, in New York of all places, At the end of the week one of the educators had us do a thought provoking exercise. He asked us to think about a statement. He asked us to look at the world from someone Else's point of view. He asked "How was your time spent this week? Was your time spent well?" Then he asked us to close our eyes. He asked us to replace the word time with the word life. He said "How was your life spent this week? Was your life spent well?" So take all of those moments, think about them, mule them over and tell me the answer to that question. The build up you are looking for is a life well lived, whatever that may be to you.

This is what I know. For a long time my life wasn't easy. My childhood was rougher then it should have been. However I have always worked hard. Once I believed I was strong for being a survivor. However now I feel that's just a brownie patch, Not that it doesn't count for something because it does. My life can't even be summed up for what I have accomplished. My life is summed up in the moments when I catch my daughter kissing and nurturing her dolls. My life is summed up in the moments when I see someone cry because they are thankful for our cut-a-thon. All those moments I get to share with other people.

The big bang doesn't last, but the memories do.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I am not the most well worded person & this train of thought is far from cohesive. I guess I just want to know what is life and what does it mean to you?

Huggles (8/365)

I should have set the camera further back for this shot. You would have captured a nice moment of me enjoying breakfast with my girl. Is it wrong that I enjoy her being sick? I feel bad that she feels terrible. However I relish in her cuddles. My girl like me is strong and independent. Normally she only wants to use me as a stepping stool. The last couple of days though she just wants to be held. It brings my heart almost more joy then I can bare. I will say beyond this though, that she has become a hugger. I love when she throws her arms around my legs for hugs. I have said it before and I will say it again, I will never understand people who don't want to touch their children all the time. I always want to hug her. I always want to kiss her. I never get sick of it. If I can never give her anything else she will always get those.

Betty the house (7/365)

Today you will have an overly edited picture because with lack of sleep and a long day to follow I find myself unable to take a decent picture. This post will also lack any sort of thought. My girl had a rather high fever yesterday and into the night. Like her mother, with being so miserable she just wanted to cuddle. I am beyond OK with this. She slept with me last night which meant little sleep for me for I felt the need to check on her unchanging fever every half hour.

So today we went back to the doctor who confirmed her lingering infection as well as allergies. Which I was pretty sure of before he said so. My guess is the cat. So after a hellish battle with the pharmacy it was back home where I cleaned my already clean house. All linens wash and or replaced. Every dark corner dusted. So hopefully this can be the start of trying to keep the cat and my girls allergies in check. He stays out of her room so that is a good start. Now if we can just keep him off the couch, we are golden. Lets cross our fingers that this is as bad or good as it gets. TO BE CONTINUED.

NOM NOM NOM (6/365)

So to be honest I can't stand cooking. I used to cook a lot before I was pregnant, but ever since then that switch has gone off. The funny thing is I have no problem prepping food. I do it almost everyday. When my daughter started eating food, I made all of her baby food. Now I thrive on giving her fresh food, so again everyday I am in there cutting up fruit and vegetables. I do love making things like salsas and salads. I just hate doing the part when it comes to putting something in the oven or something on the stove. The messed up part is when I do cook, it usually comes out delicious. What's ironic is that I love the kitchen. It makes me feel strong. It makes me feel like a woman. Go ahead feminist, throw your shoe at me, I don't care. I obsess on making sure the kitchen is always clean. I always feel really good after all the groceries are put away and I never put off doing the dishes after dinner. I never said I was normal.

I will pay you before I die. (5/365)

I will keep this short today. I have always thought I was an old spirit. However I feel I am also young at heart. I suppose they go hand in hand. How else is a soul supposed to carry on if there isn't something young and free in your heart to drive it. I suppose it may be a silly thought but one that kept my mind busy on my drive home today.

Home away from home (4/265)

It is no secret that "I hella ♥ Oakland". There is a spirit about this urban jungle that is all encompassing. The media gives this town a bad rap, but the truth is trouble doesn't find you unless you are looking for it. If you love Oakland it will embrace you completely. There is a creative spirit about this place that completely succumbs me every time I return. It is charming and the people there stick close to each other. This is where I feel alive. I feel free. Dare I even say feel safe. I need not a lot of words for this place where i left my heart. It makes me happy. It is really that simple.

Let the sun shine in (3/365)

If only it stayed this easy. So much excitement in playing on a jungle gym. Exploring the grass. Splashing water. Why do we stop enjoying these things as adults? I remember when bugs where fascinating and not disgusting. The greatest things about these pleasures, is that they where free. I do take great pleasure in discovering these things again with my daughter. I like laying in the grass with her, staring at the sky through the trees. I love that even though it is hot as all of hell outside that she is completely content with just being outside. She could wonder the back yard all day and be satisfied. She could splash the kiddie pool all day as long as she doesn't have to get in. I'm over bills and complicated emotions. I just want to play always. Is that too much to ask for?